Friday, August 12, 2011

Take a Chance on Me

Today seemed like a good day to test out some political humor.  With the GOP debate last night I thought an SNL-style remake was in order.  It might seem strange for me to poke so much fun at my party's candidates, but if you can't laugh at yourself and those like you who can you laugh at?  Hope you enjoy...

Bret Baier: Good evening and welcome from Iowa and the Republican Presidential debate! Let’s meet the candidates.  Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich
Newt: What kind of ‘gotcha’ game is the introduction stuff? Ronald Reagan wouldn’t stand for this, and neither will I.  I knew Reagan too, and Reagan always said to me “Reagan is as Reagan does.”
Baier: Former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman.
Huntsman: Thank you Bret.  I’m a different kind of Republican than most here, and tonight it’s my privilege to tell you the party faithful how wrong you all are on many issues.
Baier: Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty
TPaw: I’ve made my case to you voters, and you don’t like what you see.  So I’ve decided something: if I can’t be the Republican nominee from Minnesota then NO ONE can be the Republican nominee from Minnesota. (glares at Bachmann)
Baier: Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann.  A woman.
Bachmann: Thank you Bret.  I look forward to defending my position as the strongest of the crazy candidates in this field, and to being the Minnesota candidate.  For there can be only one (glares at Pawlenty)
Baier: Alright you two, save it for when the cameras are on you.  Next is former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum.
Santorum: Thank you, and let me say that I am the only candidate who will talk about the real threat to America today.  That threat is gay polygamous marriages between humans and incestuous dogs.  Only I have signed a pledge to specifically confront this danger on day 1 in office.
Baier: Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney.
Mitt: Thank you.  Let’s face it, I’ve barely even tried to campaign and I’m still dominating every candidate on this stage.  So until that guy from Texas gets in the race, I’m here to look good and say nothing that can in any way offend anyone, anywhere, ever.
Baier: Congressman Ron Paul. (cheers) Ugh, I knew we shouldn’t hold this debate the same day as the free tin foil hat giveaway.
Paul: America, get off my lawn! (shakes fist)
Baier: And finally Michael Steele.  Oh wait, that’s Herman Cain. 
Cain: Thank you Bret, and don’t worry.  I have a 4-point plan on how to look less like Steele.  Just don’t ask me about any specifics.

Baier: Alright, it’s time to move on to questions.  Chris Wallace has a question for Speaker Gingrich.
Chris Wallace: Speaker Gingrich…
Newt: Hold it right there media boy.  I’m not here to play this ‘you ask questions, I answer them’ media mind game.  I’m here to speak to the American people.  America, remember Reagan?  I do, and I know the central issue of our age is the lack of people saying the name Ronald Reagan.  Well I’m not afraid to do it, no matter what Joe Media over there or all my former campaign staff think of it.
Wallace: Moving on , Governor Huntsman let’s be honest.  Can you name any reason for you to be up on this stage?
Huntsman: Well Chris, I can proudly I’m the only one on stage who can both an endorsement from Jeb Bush.
Wallace: You’ve been endorsed by THE Jeb Bush?
Huntsman: I’ve been endorsed by A Jeb Bush!
Wallace: Fair enough.
Baier: Next up, Byron York has an incredibly unfair and sexist question for the woman in the race Michelle Bachmann.  Wait, where did she go?
Bachmann: (reappearing) Sorry, migrane.
Baier: Governor Pawlenty, care to comment on that?
TPaw: Well this just proves what I’ve been saying about the Congresswoman’s lack of accomplishments.  I mean look at me: I am proud to have won the coveted America’s Least Interesting Governor award a record 5 times.  That’s the kind of record all Americans can agree they don’t really care about.
Wallace: Congressman Paul, a question for you on foreign policy.
Paul: Oh good, my time to shine!
Wallace: You’ve said that Iran should be free to pursue a nuclear program, despite the threat such a program would pose.  Care to retract those statements?
Paul: Absolutely not!  It’s our own fault they hate us anyway.  My solution is simple: it’s time we sold our nuclear weapons to countries that hate us, you know to level the playing field.  Payments in gold only though, none of this fancy colored paper I see people using.
Santorum: If I may interrupt, that is shameful.  Do you have any idea how oppressive Iran’s regime is?  Well, just look at their hatred of homosexuals!
Everyone: (turning to Santorum, in unison) Really?
Santorum: What?  I don’t have any problem with foreign homosexuals.  Just domestic ones.
Wallace: Governor Romney,when you ran Bain Capital you invested in a lot of companies, and we found three of them that closed shops in America and moved overseas.  Comments?
Mitt: Well Chris, it’s easy to point out the jobs lost here, but you fail to mention how many jobs those moves created in India and China!  I’d say more, but I really don’t need to draw attention to myself right now.  Why don’t you cut back to that Bachmann/Pawlenty fight again?
Wallace: Mr. Cain, how do you feel about the imminent entry of Governor Perry into this race?
Cain: That’s fine with me.  Just one more politician in this race.  One more politician who will defeat me soundly.

Baier: Any now it’s time for closing statements.  Speaker Gingrich?
Newt: Oh no, you won’t fool me with that one.  I have nothing more to say.  Reagan.
Baier: Governor Huntsman?
Huntsman: I have a dream friends, a dream of making America as great as the state I governed.  It’s about time all of America looked and felt just like Utah!
Baier: Governor Pawlenty?
TPaw: Frankly I’m tired of all this work with no results.  As long as you don’t vote for crazy eyes here (points to Bachmann) I don’t care what you do.
Baier: Congresswoman Bachmann?
Bachmann: By now you’ve probably seen the Newsweek cover that tried to make me look crazy, but don’t consider me crazy because of that photo.  Consider me crazy for the things I say.
Baier: Senator Santorum?
Santorum: America, 41 percent of Pennsylvania voters can’t have been wrong when they voted for me 5 years ago, nor can the 2 percent who support me in the polls today.  Thank you.
Baier: Governor Romney?
Romney: Our nation needs someone with business experience, and only Herman Cain and I have spent our lives in the business world so we’re your choices.  And let’s be honest, Godfather’s Pizza sucks.  I can literally think of 50 better pizza places without even trying. 
Baier: Congressman Paul?
Paul: GOLD!!!!
Baier: And Mr. Cain?
Cain: I'm not a politician.  If you want someone who "plays politics" or "has held elected office" or "knows where Washington D.C. is", then I'm not your man.  If you want something different, take a chance on me nation.
Baier: And that concludes our debate tonight.  Just remember America, you have to choose one of them.  Join us next week as we cover the steel cage match between Rep. Bachmann and Governor Pawlenty.

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